The Two-Way Street of Connection: How to Relate to Others (and Help Them Relate to You)
It can be hard to work on connecting in relationships. Close relationships grow when two skills work together: understanding other people and letting yourself be understood. Most of us naturally lean toward one more than the other. Some people are excellent listeners but keep their own thoughts and feelings private. Others share easily but have a harder time fully taking in someone else’s experience. Let’s look at a few ways to strengthen each side.
Relating to Others: The Art of Understanding
Get curious before you get helpful. When someone shares a problem, it’s tempting to jump straight to advice or reassurance. But most people aren’t asking to be fixed immediately. They first need to feel understood. Before offering a solution, ask one more question about how they’re feeling or what the situation has been like for them. Really listen instead of thinking about how to fix the problem. Research with first-time conversation partners found that people felt more understood when they received attentive, understanding-focused listening instead of advice or simple acknowledgments (Weger et al., 2014).
Listen for the feeling beneath the words. People often describe what happened, like a busy week, a frustrating coworker, or a canceled plan. But they may really be trying to express an emotion, like feeling overwhelmed, hurt, or lonely. Try responding to the feeling, not just the event. Saying, “That sounds like it left you feeling unappreciated,” often lands differently than asking, “Have you thought about talking to your boss?” This can help you resist the urge to immediately fix the problem. Research on high-quality listening describes this experience as feeling understood, validated, and cared for. These experiences have been linked to stronger relationships and greater well-being (Reis, Clark, & Holmes, 2004; Itzchakov & Reis, 2022).
Resist the urge to make it about yourself. It’s natural to think of a similar experience from your own life when someone shares something personal. Sharing your story can strengthen a connection, but only after you’ve fully listened to theirs. A well-timed “That happened to me too” can deepen a conversation. This works best after the other person has had a chance to share and feel understood. Sharing your story too soon can unintentionally shift the focus away from them.
Notice what isn’t being said. Tone of voice, body language, pauses, and even what someone leaves out can tell you as much as their words. If a friend says, “I’m fine,” but sounds flat or withdrawn, a gentle response like, “You don’t sound like yourself today,” may open the door to a more honest conversation.
Helping Others Relate to You: The Art of Being Known
Being understood isn’t just something that happens to you. It’s also something you can invite. This is pivotal when it comes to connecting in relationships.
Say the real thing, in smaller doses. Being open isn’t all or nothing. You don’t have to share everything to let people know you. You simply need to share something honest. Instead of saying, “I’m fine,” try, “Honestly, I’m feeling a little stressed about work right now.” Research on get-acquainted conversations found that people who took turns sharing personal information reported greater liking and closeness than people who did not share in the same way (Sprecher, Treger, & Wondra, 2013).
Name your needs instead of hoping people guess them. Many of us learned to hide what we need and then feel disappointed when others don’t notice. Sometimes we do this more effectively than we realize. Most people aren’t ignoring your needs. They simply can’t know what you’re experiencing unless you tell them. Saying, “I could really use some encouragement right now,” gives the other person a clearer way to support you.
Let people see your reactions in real time. Being open about how something affects you makes it easier for others to understand you. If something someone said hurt your feelings, gently saying, “That hurt me because it made me feel…” gives them a chance to understand your experience and respond. Staying silent or leaving quickly rarely gives someone that opportunity.
Make room for imperfection. People often hold back because they’re afraid of being seen as difficult, needy, or “too much.” But healthy relationships grow through moments of misunderstanding and repair, not through getting everything right. Research and relationship literature describe disconnection as a normal part of close relationships. Repair after conflict can help people reconnect and maintain the relationship (The Gottman Institute; Simply Psychology, 2026).
Where the Two Sides Meet
Relationships have a rhythm. One person opens up a little. The other responds with curiosity and care. Then the roles switch. Neither side works well on its own. A person who only listens without ever sharing themselves may eventually feel invisible. A person who only shares without learning to listen may also end up feeling misunderstood.
If you notice you lean more toward one side, it’s worth paying attention to. That isn’t a character flaw. It’s often a way of coping that developed through family experiences, past relationships, or personality. The good news is that both parts of connection are skills, not fixed traits. Like any skill, they become stronger with practice, and will help you with connecting in relationships as you work on them.
If these patterns keep showing up in your relationships, like feeling unseen, struggling to open up, or noticing the same dynamics with different people, therapy can be a helpful place to explore them. A therapist can help you practice both sides of connection: being deeply heard and learning what it feels like to let yourself be known.
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References
- Weger, H., Castle Bell, G., Minei, E. M., & Robinson, M. C. (2014). The relative effectiveness of active listening in initial interactions. International Journal of Listening, 28(1), 13–31. https://doi.org/10.1080/10904018.2013.813234
- Reis, H. T., Clark, M. S., & Holmes, J. G. (2004). Perceived partner responsiveness as an organizing construct in the study of intimacy and closeness.
- Itzchakov, G., & Reis, H. T. (2022). How to foster perceived partner responsiveness: High-quality listening is key. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 16(6).
- Sprecher, S., Treger, S., & Wondra, J. D. (2013). Effects of self-disclosure role on liking, closeness, and other impressions in get-acquainted interactions. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(4), 497–514. https://doi.org/10.1177/0265407512459033
- The Gottman Institute. Rupture and repair in relationships.
- Simply Psychology (2026). How to repair a relationship after conflict.